my dear friend becca deemed her summer in austin as the summer of showing up alone. of entering a space with no introductions, with maybe a bottle of wine in hand, hoping the human near the door was average at welcoming strangers. that is a hard thing, swallowing your discomfort & actively walking towards awkwardness. I felt that this summer too.
but for me, it was mostly the summer of leaving alone. after time spent at work, at church, at a dinner with a new friend ~ truly sweet times in community ~ I left alone. I left alone & returned to my apartment alone.
even more striking is showing up to a place with a friend, with someone you love, and then leaving that place alone. the idea that in that specific space, a change happened. a switch flipped, a tabletop spun. even if the time was sweet or if it was bitter, someone had to leave.
I had dinner with a new friend, and after talking for a while, she observed: "you've done a lot of self-reflecting."
oh boy.
that, my friends, is one of the side effects of what I call being thoughtfully alone.
it can be too tempting for me to let lies creep in about how I've spent my time this summer : could I have made more friends? could I have put myself out there more? could I have done something to make myself alone for fewer hours? that does no good. it coats the memory of my summer in shame. I am thankful to the Holy Spirit for turning my heart instead towards being thoughtfully alone : sitting in the stillness, in the singleness, in the hours on my balcony, contemplating the sunset & allowing myself tears, contentment, & joy all at the same time.
not only did I become acquainted with leaving a space physically alone, but also by leaving a situation alone. I have discovered the bravery in denying a conversation. by not sending that text message, by waiting to respond, I am choosing the Friendship of the Son, Sovereignty of the Father, & Movement of the Spirit over any momentary satisfaction wrought by pressing "send."
john mayer (my fave) beseeches the sibling motto of carpe diem : "say what you need to say." but there is discernment to be had! some conversations don't need to be had. ever, or right now. a line in my beloved high school's alma mater reads, "to Thee for Trust and not my friends." I know what that line means. it has been forced upon me. but the Lord has equipped me with His armor (ephesians 6 : 11). to show up alone. to leave alone. to go forth, to enter back into community, & to greet those who will one day show up & this time leave with me.
a friend shared this article recently that addresses the propensity in women's Christian circles to remind women of their dignity, their worth, their beauty ... often to the missed point of the awe of the Lord. this summer I finished captivating by john & stasi eldredge for the second time. it is a book that has brought me comfort in times when I feel, well, alone in my thoughts & anxieties. stasi does an incredible job, in my opinion, of putting complex feelings into simple words. too much. not enough. feelings I cannot quite describe, but she can, and in doing so, helps me (& many other readers) feel just a little more known. I don't agree with every sentence in the book, and they surely miss some critical theological points. but nevertheless, reading this book in conjunction with actively pursuing God to show His Face has made a sweet combination for my summer of thoughtful aloneness.
because no matter how much self-reflection I have wrought, it means nothing when taken out of context of the goodness of the Lord. OH how Abba Father has shown Himself in vast new ways this summer, bringing me closer to His lasting Friendship & His eternal Romance. I hope that tears spring to your eyes at an unexpected sunset, at a well-timed radio song, at a passage in a book, at a phone call from a friend. tears spring to my eyes at this very moment! I am sitting on a plane before take-off, people all around me, many weary from travel, pressing glasses up their noses, staring ahead, lost in thought. we are all longing for love notes from our Lord. what were yours this summer? never before have I felt the constant presence of God in my life than so many hours of being alone. there was pain in getting here & there is pain ahead: we are promised it (the first half of john 16 : 33).
but the Promise of Goodness is deeper & richer (the second half of john 16 : 33)! He has put Eternity in their hearts, in yours & mine, and Its glimpses manifest all around us (ecclesiastes 3 : 11). & not only is it in our hearts, but it is made available to us by the great redemptive power & incredible Grace poured out with the blood of Jesus Christ (ephesians 2 : 8-9 ; titus 2 : 11). our yearning, our wound, is there. we feel it. but so is the salve!
& so. this was the summer of showing up alone. of leaving alone. of podcasts, of balconies, of hardcover books. of more baseball games than I've attended in my entire life. of meat thermometers, of the trader joe's wine section. of the logistical & emotional challenges in cooking for one. of wasted groceries as a result.
the summer of microsoft excel, of $.25 cheerwine cans, of conference calls. of commutes, of treadmills, of simple schedules that make a quiet apartment more familiar.
the summer of self-reflection, but more importantly, the summer of Higher consideration. how deep the Father's Love for us. it knows no bounds. never cease dreaming of what He can do.